Form over function. A classic phrase, mainly as it tends to be more and more relevant today where every functional product is seemingly as artistic and cutting-edge looking as possible, in a world where a simple solution is just too old fashioned.

I am not just talking about the automobile here, however occasionally it manages to throw up a gem of a contradiction. Take VW’s New Beetle. Here is a car in the same model category as the Golf but which is larger externally yet smaller internally, has less rear headroom, a boot a fraction of the size, plus is heavier, slower, less economical, more expensive, more to insure, worse to drive and is of course impossible for a man to own.

Yet somehow this triumph of form over function is still in production with thousands of people simply not caring that there is a vase mounted to a dashboard, so long it is picking up your burger at Window 3 whilst you are still ordering at Window 1.
So why am I complaining? Isn’t it great that mainstream manufacturers can create a mode of transport that is bought purely on its aesthetic value to the buyer? Yes of course, fantastic infact and it makes for much more personal motoring. I think however it is because I haven’t seen a new ‘pointless’ car for a while. I know the MINI and Fiat 500 fad is going well, but they are actually good cars and excellent solutions to the class in which they reside: fashionable but not actually useless.

In a world so sensible that an SUV is the new Bubonic Plague, only the small volume mega-bucks cars seem to be silly anymore: excessively tuned special editions or ‘chrome modified’ for the flush people who want to be perceived as different and experimental. This of course is only because the drivers can’t see the outside world through their 80% window tints and footballers think that depreciation is something to be treated with Prozac.

So what could we come up with as a new niche vehicle that could appeal to people on realistic wages but is utterly pointless in its lack of core functionality? Well, my proposal is this: 

A van cool enough to make split screen VW bus owners cry into their rainbow mittens. A ‘commercial vehicle’ so small inside that a normal family hatch would dwarf its load capacity. Yet also a vehicle which appears so trendy that every property developer in town will be queuing to buy one to lug around matt white emulsion and a cutout of Sarah Beeny’s ‘you’re making a big mistake’ face for times of indecision. 

It won’t be particularly hard to do as a conversion from a Clubman, so if you are interested in a drive-in-drive-out conversion give me a shout and I’ll see what I can do. Seriously though, I’m tempted to set up shop.