Aha, my delivery of pointlessness has arrived.So much to see, so much to do, oh so much to perspire. Having been to traditional UK Motor Shows and more quaint British events I was expecting to be wowed by the size of an event such as Frankfurt. It didn't disappoint.

Eight of the eleven large halls were crammed full of new car goodness and enough humidity to last a lifetime. This, combined with a whole host of outdoor activities meant that just one day wasn't anywhere near enough to see everything on offer, especially if you attend on a public day and have to queue to even clap your eyes on some of the new Italians let alone clasp your mitts around the wheel.

Starting on the biggest locals (not something to try in the city alehouses), BMW had their own mighty hall full of lovingly flame surfaced models, a range that is starting to feature so many family traits it is almost inbred. Overhead, a test track ran around to give the impression that you might even have an opportunity for a pootle in one of the new cars such as the X1. Not likely. Which is fine because on closer inspection the small SUV really wasn't very exciting.
The X3 is a small X5 therefore the X1 is meant to be a small X3, right? Correct; around five inches shorter apparently. Except lets be honest, five inches just isn't enough to make a useful difference. On first impressions the X looks like a 1 Series with the wrong springs fitted, unfortunately though on all subsequent impressions it looked just the same. Helping the new model to attract attention (like many display cars on offer), a demonstrator was aptly painted in the colour of the moment (bye bye white, see you in another 20 years); UPS driver poo brown (metallic). Tasteful as it doesn't sound, I'm not ashamed to say I rather liked it.

"I'm sorry sir, I couldn't possibly explain to you what the point is."Elsewhere in the Bavarian hall, a new and proudly beige 5 Series GT stood on centre stage, generating copious amounts of interest from amusingly stereotypical looking German businessmen-types.
If you want a decent sized saloon but you really, really want to be able to lift up the rear window as well as the bootlid then hey, this has your name written all over it.
Talking of that hatchback, there is more to it that initially meets the eye. Whereas an ordinary hatch would just lift up in one regular hinged way, the 5GT is different. The rearmost section has the option to drop down instead (pickup truck style), leaving the glass and the rest of the behemoth lid still in place.
A fantastic feature, perfect for those occasions when you really just can't be arsed to open the whole hatch one inch (it takes over from here and subsequently closes at the touch of a button).
Efficient Dynamics? Yeah right, looking at this Russian Doll of a hatch (and indeed the whopping gas struts needed to lift the thing) there must be a good trolley load of wasted kilograms doing nothing in there except rattling around trying to help the usual '50:50 weight distribution' selling point.
Perhaps we could also have a double driver's door that opens enough to throw your coat in one way, but then also opens fully for human entry?

Nearby, doing a good job of combining small amounts of disappointment with a fair chunk of pleasure was the Special Edition, erm, 'M3 Edition'. Initial photographs helped this £53k wonder look like a slightly meaner, lower, and generally better version of BM's wonderful V8 coupe. In the flesh though it didn't have quite the extra impact I had hoped for, instead merely looking like a normal M3 which had been modified with black paint and given a irrational price hike to show for it. Don't get me wrong, the tweaked M is still very attractive, but definitely now has slightly chav undertones. Then again, so has Cheryl, but it wouldn't put you off her would it?

Entering Hall 5 revealed the new Jaguar XJ on elegant display with a barging New Jag - she's not electriccrowd large enough to rival some of the bedroom wall pin-up cars. What a fantastic looking design it is too, finally bringing a clean and modern new shape to the traditional silhouette of times gone by (and by.. and by..). Strange though that the display was angled so as to make it nigh on impossible to see the much hyped tail. Not as strange however as the paint, featuring an impossible amount of spangly glitter to its metallic content.
Undoubtedly my favourite aspect of the launch was what seemed like an overwhelming urge to play on the Britishness of the new car. Not just any Britishness, but Jaguar obviously felt this car was a true and gritty Northerner and continued to play the same Oasis track over and over on loop with the preview video in the background. Perhaps Mancunians and wealthy Weller-esque haircut folk are a new target market? I mean Bentley did ok out of US rappers, the indie market definitely has potential.

Meanwhile, over in Hall 8, Subaru were panicking. Some manufacturers didn't get the term 'Going Green'After calmly erecting their smart display stand and carefully plopping their shiny current and new models all around the show floor someone spotted a glaring error.
Not only were all the cars so dull they were trounced by Hyundai's i'drathernot range, but all of them were varying shades of silver, grey and black. "Oh no!" they all exclaimed, "however are we going to get anyone to come and look at the new Legacy when there is a window nearby which looks out on to the coach parking area?"
Not to worry, the one man trying his very best to keep the company exciting was on hand at the last minute. No, not Iain Litchfield, but the American sports shoe meister and all round driving wonder Kenneth Block. Could he save Subaru from lawsuits as people injured themselves walking into bits of it, unable to identify the display from the surrounding grey concrete of the exhibition hall?
Fingers crossed, off he went to give one of the Imprezas a suitable makeover.

Undeterred by having just 17 minutes to save the stand from heading up Scheiße creek, Kenneth found the nearest German workshop and after much negotiation the 'stylists' agreed to rush the work through in exchange for Kens ridiculously flat baseball cap peak, a tool so straight it made for a much needed replacement sanding block.
Just minutes later the STI was back sporting a new bright green exterior and fake carbon fibre sheet stretched across all the plastic spoilerery. 

Viewed from Mars it really did look good, enough for Kenneth to let out a little American style whoop. Neat.
Feeling like a true champion once again, his heart dropped when he realised they had left all of the doors unlocked and that the newly enticed show-going punters were opening the doors and actually getting inside the (again slightly green) cabin.
"Gawd daaamn." Would they notice an aesthetic job so hashed that the green colouring stopped before it got to the inside of the (quite obviously still black) door frames?
Obviously they would. People have eyes and this is an International Motor Show, not a cruise in a dimly lit car park.

Talking of baseball caps, a haggle of new MINIs were on display surrounded by balloons and assorted other tripe to celebrate the 50th birthday of another different (although similarly named) car.
There were two new Coupe models, one with a soft roof and one whose styling is apparently derived from seeing a baseball cap worn backwards.
The 'Roadster Concept' was actually rather nice looking, the two seat coupe profile suiting the soft roof more than the conventional car's Mothercare style offering. Such a shame then about its tin top brother, the 'Coupe Concept'. I say tin top, the roof is actually aluminium in a bid to lower the centre of gravity and help to create the best handling 'newmini' yet. Visually, it is quite a successful design viewed from the front. Any other angle unfortunately made me rifle through my bag for the Lufthansa sick bag I'd saved for the Panamera viewing.
There are only three reasons that allow certain people to wear baseball caps backwards; they are either a) in the 80s, b) overly American or c) in The Exorcist and therefore of confused orientation.

Nearby, Peugeot had a novel approach to their display cars. Apart from the fantastic looking RCZ Coupe being launched (a car that really deserves to succeed), everything else seemed to be emblazoned with the CO2 output in big letters on the doors. Fair enough, you are trying to lower emissions yada yada.. But why does the teensy 107 on display have 106 grams of CO2 written on the door whereas the larger 207 is tattooed with just 99 grams, under the magical tax-free 100g mark? Surely the lighter car should be at least as efficient?

Mid report quiz time; let's think of a company who know how to do a good Special Edition car. I know, Lotus, who churn an Elise based derivative out of the system to celebrate every time one of their employees chooses a new lunchtime sandwich filling. Laugh though people may, the idea is simple and works well: Add a few optional extras, paint it a nice and exclusive colour, then sell for about the same as the base car with the extras. Press releases go out, people talk, free advertising ensues, more cars sell. It is a bit of an automotive win-win situation which is not exactly commonplace these days.
Porsche however, with the new 911 Sport Classic, have taken one Plain Jane 911 Sport Classic997 Carrera 2S, added a smattering of costly extras, a new colour and interior, cleverly stripped some weight and added retro touches including the infamous duck bill spoiler and Fuchs style alloy wheels.
Unfortunately this has incurred a price tag of over £140k, around double that of the regular Carrera. Lets be honest Mr Wiedeking CEO, all the punters want is the cool wheels, subtle paint and that retro spoiler on a more entry level (and therefore reasonably affordable) car, if not at the least to make it more visually exciting in a hotly contested price bracket. Have you heard of this rather trick looking R8 thing yet hmm?

Alongside the Sport Classic was the rather extreme looking new GT3 RS. This 997.5 GT3 RS997.5 version has gone for a different approach to the last, instead of combining 911 subtlety with lairy paint and aerodynamic addenda, this version has just gone and copied the Megane R26.R all out, with bright red wheels and stickers adding possibly a touch too much cheese to the taste. Without said colour it would be very appealing indeed, a properly bonkers looking car you could just about use every day if you so wished.

BackMatt White. No relation to Marco Pierre. in the real world of affordability there was also a very suave  looking car on display at the Trabant stand. Yes you read that right, the Trabant stand. This electric concept was quite the crowd teaser with funky but alternative MINI-esque looks that would doubtless help it to sell well despite the name - providing of course it retains some of the original Trabant's Smartprice costs.
Other real world show stars came from GM with its new Astra, a car that seems to have finally got the quality and styling it needs to compare with its rivals, and a humorously proportioned Toyota IQ Sports, looking more like a supermini out of The Jetsons than something that was hotly tipped to make production in the near future.

Alfa's new Mito [deep breath] Quadrifoglio Verde was a simply gorgeous looking hot hatch. Providing they can sort out the steering to offer a genuine Cooper-rivalling drivers' car then it will no doubt prove very popular indeed amongst keen drivers who also like to frequent the sunbeds, even with the optional matt paint.

What sort of a note to end on then? Well I suppose no show is complete without the classic supercar offerings to wow the crowds and make small boys weep into their carrier bags full of leaflets.
Lamborghini had the Reventon Roadster, Ferrari the 458 Italia. Both were suitably stunning, we can overlook the fact from most angles the front air dams on the 458 look like a pair of black invalid toilet handles, it has (if this is actually a real thing) what seems like completely novel and unique proportions. The lines of the rear half hide the engine bay in what seems like a visual illusion enough to ponder if there really is a potent V8 in there at all. It is better looking than the F430, no doubt, however it is not quite the convincing return to form of old that was anticipated. In terms of sheer presence though, my my does it exude the stuff. It may not have a pretty face but that is not necessarily a prerequisite for a successful life.
Maybe they are handles for lifting the front over speedbumps?